Kotex was dispensing relationship and fashion advice back in 1946, and it is just too good not to share. I mean, you do want to be in the know, don’t you?

First you do your nails. Which leads into figuratively getting your claws into a date. And after that you take them to the beach, only you have to wear a certain kind of very atttractively-named bathing suit. (And then of course the sand and water then do a number on your nail polish so you have to start all over again. It’s like the circle of life!) You might as well copy this and paste it on the mirror at home for easy reference.

Life Lesson #!: The Split-Nail Personality

Question and answer time! I like the second answer - I’ll bet  Miss Braids up there does that, when no one’s looking! I would like to know what Heidi here did to look so pleased with herself. Did she gnaw first and then put on artificial nails? Or is she obsessed with emery boards. She collects them, it looks like. She has hundreds in her makeup table.

But as they say, a gal can’t hide her hands forever. And if you slather on polish you won’t feel - uncomfortable. Which leads us straight to Kotex, get it, being uncomfortable and what helps. Bet you didn’t see that one coming! Oh, they’re just warming up to this though. Now that you possess a set of long (and rather pointed, from the look of it) dark shiny fingernails - it’s time to go hunt down a guy - or, as the Kotex people prefer to call him, a joe. (They sure are with it, these ad writers!)

Life Lesson #2: How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes

I probably would suggest losing this one, Mary Jane. He looks kind of silly, and he is making the most extraordinary face. Like someone who just ate a lemon but they sort of liked it. 

Your ”femme friend and her joe” do not want to get involved with this. They will not appreciate being “corralled” as if they were ponies.  And believe me, no one has any interest in a platter or Ping Pong session at your house. (Insert risqué jokes here, please). Key transitional word: “safety” (good one, Dr. Kotex!) - safety in numbers, safety in…well, you know. Yuck.

Swiftly we move on to the beach, in Life Lesson #3: If Life’s A Beach, Why Do I Have To Wear Bloomers?

What the hell?…Mary Jane has bleached her hair and had a full makeover, looking far more glam (despite the “bloomer suit”) than Mr. Lemonhead, who has moved on to a second course of plastic drink coasters. Notice the superb lifeguard in the distance, staring at anything but the water (there are some great guys in this town, all right!). What’s new on the beach this year? Well, not the hamburgers, we know that. And the lifeguard’s been frozen in that position for the last year, seemingly. I guess that means the bloomer suit is new! I still don’t like it though. Bathing suit shopping is hell, isn’t it? Mary Jane knows that, clearly.

And the key word here is “different” - as in the suit and the Kotex (yeah, um, I should damn well hope so! These ads are terrible, really…I’m trying to have my coffee here!). Speaking of different, Mary Jane needs a different suit, a different guy  - and maybe we can do something about those split nails, too. She cracked them on the hamburger.

Her smile is cracking a little too. Well, no wonder - I don’t think this guy is riveting company. She also looks like she may have a touch of PMS. In which case he’d better keep an eye on the Coke bottle. She’s pretty close to beaning him with it.

How do you solve a problem like Samaria? You don’t. You let her solve a problem like you, mister!

Samaria is not pleased with you. She has got some tablets and they are going straight into your tea. Only you won’t know it. You are too distracted with your life of debauchery. And really, the drinking is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg, isn’t it? The nights out with the road company Floradora Girl wannabes. All that money spent on fine cigars and gold watchchains. And frankly, you do not pay Samaria the sort of attentions that she demands! Expects! Deserves! You have been lax and frivolous. You have forgotten how to serve and honor Samaria.

You have got it coming to you, all right.

Can you meet her steely eyes and say that you have been behaving yourself? Samaria laughs darkly at this. Just a little. A silent, mirthless sort of laugh. She fingers the little tin of tablets that lies deep in her pockets of doom.

And she even runs a business so that you too can partake of the glory of Samaria - at Jordan Chambers, Jordan Street, Toronto. But…wait! I - there IS no Jordan Street in Toronto…is there?

Advertisement from a 1906 Kingston Daily Whig  (Kingston, Ontario).

This is not Herb Alpert’s backup band. Nor is it some groovy hippie recipe for a pharmaceutical trainride to Mars, though given that this recipe dates from 1967, the name exudes a certain - how shall I put it? A certain psychedelic je-ne-sais-quoi.

But this is from the Pillsbury Bake-Off cookbook. Not the Pillsbury Love-In cookbook! ( I’d love to see what that would be like though!). Ann Pillsbury and the lady contributors would not approve. So I want to know how the Tijuana Hash lady thought up the name. And why Ann Pillsbury et al approved the name. (I suspect that naughty Betty Crocker had a hand in this, oh yes I do! This is exactly the sort of thing she would serve at one of her Frankly Fancy parties!)

In case you are having a few hippie homemakers over to, I don’t know, what would they like to do? Perhaps make bead curtains while listening to Strawberry Alarm Clock - anyway, here’s what you can have on hand when they all get the munchies:

I omitted the author’s name in case she is a dear old lady somewhere who might not appreciate me linking her to the Tijuana Hash.

Did you notice that there is actually a non-Pillsbury intruder in this dish - who the hell is Mary Kitchen! What is she doing at the Pillsbury Bake-Off?

I’ll bet she’s in cahoots with Betty. I just know those two are up to something! Hmmm…

Let’s wrap this whole bizarre episode up with Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass playing “Spanish Flea” in TIjuana in a bull ring in 1965. This was the theme for “The Dating Game,” one of my childhood favorites (what? there were cartoons only on Saturday mornings back then, I had to watch something!). Also my parents liked this sort of stuff so I had to hear it at home, too. Herb is trumpet-syncing. Also, I love how the guy on the left is barely shaking his marraca. (Paging Davy Jones!) He (the guy, not Davy Jones) is holding a trombone too, why is that?

So many silly questions, so little to go on…

One of the things I like best about YouTube is watching the old TV commercials and having a little retro flashback. It’s like having instant access to a part (albeit a tiny part) of your subconscious. Of my subconscious! Which seems to be somewhat full of old TV commercials. Among other things, of course. But it does help to explain my fascination with old ads and retro stuff.

I was fascinated back in the 1960s, too. In honor of the anniversary of the moon landing, I would like to share a Space Food Sticks commercial. I did see the moon landing on TV, and it was pretty exciting even for a six (almost seven) year old. But I also remember being pretty thrilled with the chocolate Space Food Sticks that followed this up in the grocery store. I don’t know why, they were the consistency of beef jerky and not really all that chocolatey. Still, it was novel in a time where we didn’t have new junk foods coming out every week, and it was before the granola bar.

This commercial is so much fun - that space ship wouldn’t fly to the end of our backyard never mind the moon. And the announcer acts like this is some amazing “aerospace research” product that has just been, you know, declassified. Oh boy! And only 44 calories a stick, too. Although the box says 41 calories. Get your story straight! Those space suits are pretty form-fitting. We need to know an exact number here!

Notice how the guys need Space Food Sticks to play rough sports, and the girl is stuck running after some kids or standing around in the yard.

It also sounds like this was made before they actually walked on the moon. Part of the media build-up, I guess. Did we really think that the government had asked Pillsbury to make little snacks for the astronauts, for real? I might have, but I wasn’t really thinking it through. I was too busy reading “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” in my mother’s Ladies’ Home Journals.

Thank you so much Louise for reminding us all that it is Moon Day with another fabulous post over at Months of Edible Celebrations! Hope you all have a happy one, even though Monday is literally ‘moon day’ and this is Sunday which is ’sun day’ which kind of makes my brain bang zoom a little - as Ralph Kramden would (and does) say…

“The Personal Taste Chart “B” pinpointed a preference for diverse design elements with traditional overtones,” eh? That’s one way of putting it. Here we have a room from an early-1970s home decorating book. A room that says things about the person who has it in their early-1970s house. Things like this:

1. I like to trip over potted plants.

2. I also like bumping into oddly-angled glass coffee tables when I am trying to sit down or get up (if it was me, I would be getting up, as in getting up and running as far away as possible).

3. I really like brown and yellow. Lots of brown. Lots of harvest-gold yellow. (For bonus points, guess the kitchen color scheme…and the bathroom…)

4. I beheaded a lamppost downtown and brought it home to put on the side table.

The potted plants lend an ominous air to the room. They look restive and menacing, and are possibly about to open those plantation shutters and let the rest of the gathering pots in. They are going to avenge the furry rug and pillows.

Be careful how and where you sit…

Let’s all say that five times fast!

That sure was fun…wasn’t it? Oh, well. Never mind - making and eating the Potato Volcano will be even more fun.

This is from a 1937 home economics text called Foods and Homemaking, by Carlotta C. Greer (who was the Head of the Department of Home Economics at John Hay High School in Cleveland, Ohio, in case you are interested).

It is an “interesting dish” all right: take a pile of mashed potatoes and mush them down in the middle. Then beat up an egg with a teaspoon of water and pour it into the crater. Then you bake the whole thing at 500 degrees until “the points of the potato are browned.” Fill ‘er up with Welsh Rabbit (cheese sauce) and decorate as follows:

When you have completed this interesting dish, the Welsh rabbit will suggest the lava of a volcano; the pimiento, fiery rocks; the sprigs of parsley, the shrubs that dare to grow at the base of this turbulent mountain.

This is very nearly poetry - epic poetry! The shrubs that dare to grow at the base of this turbulent mountain!

I didn’t know that shrubs did dare to do that. Or anything, really. Shrubs are pretty tame and suburban. You won’t see the Knights Who Say Ni doing their landscaping anywhere near a volcano.

Or a potato.

Ah, Andrews Liver Salt! The choice of Hitchcockian mothers everywhere. And also the choice, this ad tells us, of ladies who are concerned, very deeply concerned, with Inner Cleanliness. Andrews will cleanse you spiritually, too, you see. It really is very profound and thorough.

Who is this lady speaking to? It must be someone off camera. But why are we all, er, privy to what she is saying about regularity and doses and - oh, really, madam, this is none of our business! And, if I may be so bold, none of yours either.

Actually, on further reflection, I believe the little tins of liver salt are speaking to the lady - which is why she looks so damn worried. I would be too, if the stuff in the medicine cabinet started hovering over my head and crabbing at me to clean my inner self.

You must take your liver salt before washing, it must be the very first thing you do! It gets into your mouth and starts cleaning away like Lady Macbeth on a Bon Ami jag. And it doesn’t stop until - yes, not until then. Heavens, that is almost too much excitement that early in the morning. Add in a cup of coffee and you’ll be orbiting Mars before breakfast.

[By the way, you may be interested to know that they studied Andrews Liver Salt in Denmark - at the University of Copenhagen yet!  - and found it very efficacious in "releasing adequate gas" (tee hee) in 80% of the people tested. It is "an effective effervescent," all right, and cheap too -that's what they say, here].

Here is a lovely Andrews Liver Salt poster; if you click to enlarge you will see that the gentleman has not left his Liver Salt behind, precisely, but it is behind him.

A big thank you once again to Amy for this wonderful ad.

I missed Vintage Thingies Thursday last week, having been Away. Not that I can quite remember what we were doing really, though it was of a family-visit nature. I believe there was sightseeing and lots of walking and, as you already know, not so much laptoppery.

Anyway, I’ve been saving this ad for VTT and I believe its time has come. Which is what they used to say about Asti Spumante, wasn’t it, the wine whose time had come? I just Googled that and it looks like they say it about lots of wines. Oh well. I guess if you have the bottle opener out, it’s time has come, all right.

But enough about wine, it is Thursday morning and on to the Vintage Thingie! Yesterday I mentioned how you have a lot of laundry when you come home from a trip. The next thing you start up again is the pile of dishes in the sink. It is inevitable. Minus the helpful doggie, this is about where I will be at soon enough, again:

Just imagine a laptop instead of a newspaper! Oh, and we have two cats, not a dog. And the cats wold never lick the dishes clean unless they all had tunafish salad on them, which is rarely.

The reading kitchenmaid is saying “The dog hates PEARLINE for saving labor” by the way. I guess not! She (the maid, not the dog) is wearing 1950s pumps for some reason, though the ad is from the 1890s.

If you don’t want to use it on dishes, though, Pearline works to clear up drains, purify dishrags, and about anything else around the house that’s dirty. Perhaps they could give the dog a nice bath after his picnic lunch. As long as you do NOT buy it from a peddler, that imitation stuff will not purify a dishrag or clear a pipe, will it?

I have another Pearline ad for another day, which shows you even more uses for this amazing stuff. Any other ways we could use Pyle’s Pearline? Please advise, as there will be plenty left over thanks to the canine heroics that you see before you.

Ridiculous title thanks to the silent-film serial drama The Perils of Pauline, starring Pearl White. I wonder how she would cope with the dishes? Here is a picture of her just after doing the washing up:

It’s the glassware and silverware that put her over the edge, I’ll bet. And all the pots and pans! Looks like a few dishes might have got broken, too. It’s rough cleaning up sometimes (even with help, and it looks like she may have had some). Don’t I know it…
 
…For less perilous, but equally intriguing Vintage Thingies, please visit the Apron Queen!

Movie poster image from Wikipedia. Thanks Wikipedia, glad that was in the public domain.

Oh well, you know, the next time I go visit relatives - and I am going again next month, by the way! - I am just going to come out with it. You see, I had written a bunch of posts in advance and was expecting to have computer time every day (or every other day) that I was away and wasn’t I going to be clever and it would be seamless, like I was not away or anything! So I didn’t really explain that I would be away. Visiting! Not writing stuff! And travelling…and not writing stuff.

And then I discovered that I would in fact have hardly ANY time even in sniffing distance of a computer (cue sad music here). And good gracious did I ever miss you guys! And posting. And checking your blogs and seeing how you were. I thought about you all and wondered how you were - and I checked in a couple of times but it had to be quick, etc.

I am home now and I am looking forward to catching up with you.

Oh, and by the way - exciting rumors aside (ahem, Bill and Emjoi!) unlike Angelina Jolie, I did not have any babies, twin or not (hee hee)!  

And therefore I have got time for the kitsch and the retro, you see. Well, and the laundry. Isn’t it amazing how much laundry piles up when you go somewhere. I believe that it breeds in the luggage.

Wish I had some Surprise Soap or something with seismotite to help out, or even this lovely washboard from an 1890 ad from the Canadian Ladies’ Journal  (and isn’t it beautifully cropped! No, don’t answer that, it’s sort of a rhetorical question…) I love the name - the Northern Queen! Queen of the Laundry Mountains, far to the north of Suitcase City…but back, in any case (any case but a suitcase, though, please).

Well, I suppose it is appropriate for Startling Detective magazine (this one is from 1964) to have startling ads. Get a load of this one! This place is offering to make new false teeth for you - BY MAIL - “using your own teeth.” Oh, I guess they mean my old chipped awful crummy old dentures, but they way they write the copy it sure sounds like they mean the originals, the ones I have got left in my mouth.

How exactly am I supposed to send them my own teeth?

Oh, I’d like to see them make a beautiful false plate with my own teeth. They might need the professional magic booklet (which is only 25 cents, such a bargain!) to pull that off. (Perhaps that is not the best phrase to use, it might give someone at West Dental Laboratories a really, really bad idea).

DuPont “Beauty Pink” does sound - interesting - though. Sounds more like plastic tableware than teeth. I guess the gums are Beauty Pink not the teeth. One can hope so, anyway.

So send those teeth in - or whatever you’ve got that’s toothy and fits in a packing box, really -  and “you will enjoy life again”! I can only imagine the enjoyment I will have with these precision-fitted new dentures of mine, which they are making in less than 24 hours.