The Fourteen Hour Wife

Vintage Ad Browser

Being a wife in the 1890s equals scrubbing the floor, according to Gold Dust Washing Powder. That Eight Hour Man is no captain of industry, or else his Fourteen Hour Wife would have a fleet of housemaids and they’d have to do the scrubbing.

As for me, there’s no powder in the world – gold-dust-enhanced or not – that would save me any time. Never mind strength or patience. I don’t know how much money it’d save either, but as soon as I’d saved enough I’d be off in my time machine looking for a Swiffer to take back to 1895.

The wording of this also implies (to me anyway) that she’s only a wife for fourteen hours. As soon as she clocks off, she turns into the Ten Hour Floozy. Now that sounds like fun! I’d like to see an ad featuring her.

Get Into the Circle of Joy!

Just grab your hula hoop and your fabulous new Xylorimba, and define your Circle of Joy, why don’t you? Because (according to this 1933 ad, anyway) Happy Days Are Here Again! And you are going to have a rich, full, interesting life as a Zylorimbist. Just like the slightly frightening man baring his teeth over there on the right, holding a mallet (no wonder his friends look so uneasy!).  He must be thinking about how he is going to make “big money playing at lodge meetings.”

If that isn’t the definition of fun, I don’t know what is.

Speaking of definitions -  what, precisely, is a Xylorimba? Well, it’s sort of like a xylophone with more of a range. That link goes to Wikipedia, and will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the Xylorimba. But really, all you need to know is written all over that guy’s face, in the ad. Look at him! He is not going to let anything get in the way of his Circle of Joy.

You see, Xylorimbists have fun everywhere because they stun and bore people into listening to endless plonkings on “the most spectacular of instruments.” What larks you will have!

Below there is a lovely bonus recording from 1925 of a waltz called “Sweet Hawaiian Dreams” from the “Xylo-Rimba Orchestra (With Incidental Singing).” And you know what? It is kind of catchy and – well, fun. The Incidental Singing is fun, too – lots of enunciation going on.

[The ad is from Popular Mechanics, October 1933 - and the place where you could send away for away for all this circular joy? Where else but - Chicago?]

http://www.youtube.com/v/yugOigCqtSE&hl=en_US&fs=1

An Aroma De Luxe

Today’s earth-shattering question: Was Sheik Lure Perfume supposed to lure Valentino-like sheiks, or turn you into one?

The answer: both, of course – depending on whether you were a flapper or a Jazz Age dude.
Either way, you just slicked back your hair, put some kohl around your eyes, and practiced a few sultry looks in the mirror. But you must not forget the Sheik Lure perfume!

And what might that be? It is solid perfume in a “Beautiful Ruby Transparent Case” – in other words, a Red Plastic Case. I don’t know what’s in it but it is powerful stuff – you can Lure Both Sexes with it and “everybody adores it.” You also get a lovely America Sheik and Sheba in a Crystal Glass Dome when you order the perfume – not the two people in the ad, I trust. That guy is goofy looking, not alluring. And the woman is trying to pretend that he isn’t there. So whoever is using the Sheik Lure – it ain’t working.

When your order arrives, pay the postman a dollar. Or else just wave the Sheik Lure in front of him – he will be so entranced, he’ll forget all about collecting the money.

[From Popular Mechanics, June 1924. The movie poster is for the 1921 Valentino movie, which thrilled female audiences - the guys, according to Wikipedia, hated it and would often start laughing during the love scenes. So I don't know if they would buy Sheik Lure perfume.

I Googled Lure Importers but this ad seems to be all that remains of them - I got some fishing lure sites but that is another matter altogether. One hopes. Anyway, please note also that Evanston is just north of CHICAGO! So this gets filed in Retro Chicago, too.]

The Tragically Hypnotic

Bernice was surely in his power now. Omar the Omnipotent was the greatest hypnotist this side of Hoboken (and he was pretty good on the other side, too). None of Bernice’s flapper friends wanted to go up on stage at the Bee’s Knees Supper Club and be a volunteer. But Bernice was always ready for fun.

Too bad that this wasn’t precisely the sort of fun she was always ready for. She was frozen in place all right. And her expression, noted her best friend Lucille, was identical to the look she had given that jellied olive-and-sardine salad that they had had at the bridge club luncheon last week.

But of course Omar was far, far more powerful than an olive-and-sardine salad. Everyone was amazed! Even though she wasn’t actually looking at the rays of hypnotic power emanating from the left side of his face, Bernice was stunned all the same.

That is because Bernice didn’t realize that they were just some wavy lines that Omar the Omnipotent had drawn in with a white pen.

And his name wasn’t even Omar, it was Hubert. You see, Hubert sent away for a mail-order course so that he could “make his life what he wanted it to be” and tried it FREE for 5 days.

The course consisted of a small booklet and a white pen.

[From Popular Mechanics, June 1929; the extra big version is here. This mail order course is from CHICAGO! For those of you who don't know why this is so significant, please click that Retro Chicago tag at the bottom of this post and prepare to be amazed!]

The File and the Pile

Oh, Professor Dickson, how did you know? That is exactly what my brain looks like – a pile of stuff, all – well, piled up.

But I was never any good with the card files in the library – way back before computers, that was, children – I found them dismal and confusing. So turning my head into one would not work out for me.

I know just how the man with the Pile in his head feels, though. That is just the expression I have when I am trying to think of something to write.

Speaking of piles, I have several on my desk. But I know exactly what is in every one of them! I have my own organizational system. A Pile  – Not a File, that’s what we can call it.

Summoned to give facts and figures – does your mind become a blank?

Why yes, sometimes. But that may be because it makes me a trifle nervous when I am summoned.

I will try to remember to send away for your book, though, Professor. I really will. But I may draw a blank on that one. Gosh, I knew there was something I meant to do!

[Long-winded ad is from Popular Science, February 1926; the little one is from the same magazine, January 1920. And you'll be happy to note that the Dickson School of Memory was located in, where else, Chicago.]

Amazing Profitable Adventures, Now With Radio Parts Grab Bag!

We haven’t had an opportunity for retro Big Profits in a very long time, so here are some terrific ones from 1946:

-Mr. Luck has some Amazing New Magic Dice for you! You can do “amusing tricks” and have all kinds of fascinating fun – full of quotation marks, that is. You will exert “control” and do “magic” tricks – Mr. Luck is hedging his bets, I suspect. And look, he is from Chicago! Of course. Longtime readers have been to Chicago many times before – you can click that Retro Chicago tag at the bottom of the post for more of this kind of thing (I ought to get a tag cloud going, or something to make it easier to navigate here, I know! I know!)

-And who doesn’t love a grab bag? Sounds like a birthday party right there. This Radio Parts Grab Bag will be ideal for all your  – um, Radio Parts Parties. Marko guarantees that this will be “an experimenter’s dream.” Oh boy, let the fun commence. And Marko - he’s from Chicago too!

There is more Chicago at the end…so we will just notice in passing that:

-Your hand will succeed in pointing when it gets that Business Mail Order Catalogue. It’s from Opportunity Department 41 – I guess they finally got it right. But what happened to the other 40 departments?

-That hand will go on to make Gems with the Gem Maker and have “a profitable adventure” (hopefully not in the machinery, please be careful!)

-And then you can spend some downtime reading about how Kit C. Vickrey keeps Profitable Rabbits – they are making gems and selling things by mail, no doubt. Clever of them.

But finally – back in Chicago, you can get yourself a mysterious-looking Instructograph. It will teach you some code and it is “always ready” to give you lots of confusing homework. Sounds great, right? Comes with headphones and strange coil-like bits that will confuse you even more. You may even forget that you have no idea what sort of code the Instructograph is teaching you.

From Popular Science, March 1946.

The Mystery of the Magic Fire Crayon

 Some deep philosophical questions, in no particular order:

- What are these Magic Crayons made out of?

- If it is like neon, that means it is not neon. What is it, then?

- How long does the advertising message “burn”? It has to be at least 10 seconds, because you will be making a sale in that amount of time. You “walk-in, walk-out.” That is, walk in, set some shopkeeper’s window on fire by writing “Everything Half Price,” damage window, and walk out. Don’t forget your amazing cash profit though!

- How can a “lazy man” make four sales a day, isn’t he going to be busy sitting at home in his Barcalounger?

- Who is Fuller?

- And why you would be making exactly $7.65 per order? How did they arrive at that precise number?

- And finally: the math. If you make $7.65 profit with each sale, ten sales will equal a profit of $76.50, right? So how could Fuller have made $79 on only seven sales?

- Answer: The extra must have been for selling his brushes on the side.

[From Popular Science, April 1960. Another amazing product from Chicago, by the way!]

The Mysterious Marauder

Twice he had entered the St. Clair mansion. What was he after? Who? What was in danger?

I don’t know. It sort of looks like Stephen Fry interpreting Hamlet as a 1930s gangster. It’s a remake, of course. I guess they ran out of theater space downtown.

Berteau, the famous detective, had warned St. Clair that the mysterious marauder would come again. And now – a noise in the passage! The creak of an opening door! A shot in the dark! A capture!

Boy, that was quick. The critics are so tough these days. Mind you, it was a risky choice of venue.

Is this wounded stranger the mysterious intruder? Who could tell?

Uh oh. This could be very awkward. Maybe this intruder is not the Mysterious Marauder, but is in fact the understudy. In which case they should have told everyone that before the play started. No wonder Berteau is so cranky!

Yet Berteau identified the man without hesitation and won the $2500 reward.

Naturally. Of course he did. What else is he going to say: Oops, I made a mistake!…Of course not. And why else is Berteau so quick on the draw? Because he sent away for the “professional Finger Print Outfit” from the University of Applied Science!*

Here is a real opportunity for YOU. Can you imagine a more fascinating line of work than this?

Goodness, no. I had no idea that being a theater critic was so exciting.

 *Which is located, of course, in Chicago. You can click on the “Retro Chicago” tag below to see why this is so very significant.

[From Popular Mechanics, April 1925 - big-ish version here.]

The Ventrilo

The Ventrilo was manufactured by the fabulous Johnson Smith & Co., makers of novelties such as this fake money. This one is also a little – irregular. Shady, even. I mean, yes, you could use it to make pretty little bird calls. But why not fool people instead? 

That is obviously a ventriloquist on the right, with some creepy pals on his knee, – but what in the world is going on in the picture on the left? Is the schoolboy making the pack on the guy’s back talk? And if so, why? 

Lots of fun fooling the teacher, policeman or friends. Why, that does sound like fun. Possibly followed by detention  – either in the principal’s office or the local station house, your choice.

Pretend you are in a trunk or under the bed “or anywhere.” That sounds like fun,too. How about pretending you’re in a trunk, under the bed? There’ll be lots of laughs if you do that, say, at a party. Or when it’s time to go to school. Or when they’re coming to arrest you for using that Johnson Smith counterfeit money all over town.

[From a 1922 Popular Mechanics. Guess which city Johnson Smith & Co. was based in? Hint: we've been to this city many, many times before - and are never disappointed by the weird products there.]

The all-Halloween kitsch and retro starts tomorrow and runs through the 31st …

A Mysterious Device

Let’s start the week off with a very bad idea from the November 1940 issue of Popular Mechanics: the Electro-Torch, also known as “Mysterious Device.” Yes, we all need one of these around the house. Never know when you might need to weld a few iron bars together.

If it really is that mysterious, why would they say that anyone can operate it? And is it really a good idea to make something this powerful – and mysterious – easy to just plug into the nearest light socket?

It comes with  a “power unit,” goggles and “supplies” – whatever they might be. This is all very vague and – to be honest – worrying.

The First Aid kit and insurance are not included.

[Note: the Electro-Torch Company is based in Chicago, along with so many other odd-product companies, I had to make a special tag for Retro Chicago.]