Santa Takes A Break

The dog is really cute. Love the doggie! He is not taking any breaks though, no sir, though he will be pretty soon, I hope.  He might not want to wear that outfit for too long. Kudos and a large dog biscuit to you, my friend.

But the Jolly Life Size Santa? I find him a little – off-putting. What’s he doing hanging around outside the house, anyway? Shouldn’t he be getting things ready for the 24th? I know I am. Wrapping, panicking, tidying up, trying to find that terrific gift I bought back in September and hid in such a great place that now I can’t find it (true story).

The Life Size Santa is 5’9″ (which is “almost six feet tall,” apparently – maybe he has 3″ heels on those boots) and you stuff him full of newspaper and place him in a lounging position by your door. Or on your roof or “by the fireplace” (mind the plastic though).

But I kind of like how he’s sitting on the fence, looking so carefree, even though it’s his Busy Season. He must know some good relaxation secrets. Or else he’s delegated everything to the elves. He is the CEO after all. And he was made in Miami, so he’s probably been in Florida all year, relaxing.

Maybe he could just come inside for a minute and help me find that gift I hid so well last fall.

[From Life, November 19, 1971. Really big version here. Not as big as that Life-Size Santa, but still.]

Is That A Tiny Vacuum Cleaner In Your Pocket?

Is that a tiny vacuum cleaner in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Say it in a Mae West voice, see if he gets the little joke. What little joke? you ask. Well, looky what General Electric has for wives wanting to hint around that they would just love a nice new vacuum cleaner!

Yes, it is a miniature model of a vacuum cleaner. Your local GE dealer is waiting to hand one to you – “and it won’t cost you a red cent.”

So you take it home (says GE) and stick a little note inside the tiny vacuum. What will the note say? Not anything obvious like “I want this!” No, it will have the dealer’s name and address on it. And then you put it in your husband’s pocket and wait until he discovers it.

“Hey, that’s not my keys! What – what is this? Who is this Lou Hooverific fellow? Is this some kind of funny business? Are you two-timing me with a vacuum salesman?”

But don’t worry, he will catch on almost immediately. GE says so. But I’m not sure you’d know, right off the bat, how to interpret it when your spouse starts getting miniature versions of things they want and stuffing them in your pockets. You’ll look at your kid’s dollhouse and dolls in a whole new light now. Barbie has a nice set of fancy jewelry and luggage. On the other hand, the furniture in that dollhouse looks like someone’s been chewing on it. Which isn’t much different than what you’ve already got.

Instead of the note, maybe you’d better just write him a letter and stick it in the old vacuum cleaner. And then put that out in the hallway where he can trip over it. That’ll do the trick.
  
[From Life, December 7, 1953. Big version here.

Truth Or Virginia Dare

In these days of worry, work, stress and strain we all must “keep our chins up.”

Especially while drinking, ’cause if you don’t keep your chin up that delicious stuff will spill right down your front.

And yes, Virginia, there really is a face in your glass of cheap wine. How did she get in there? And many glasses have you had, anyhow?

[From Life, November 22, 1943.]

P.S. The real Virginia Dare was the first English child born in the New World, in 1587.]

Here Comes Sanka Claus

Meet Uncle Joe. He is the 1940s edition of Scrooge – rich and mean – “a tight-fisted old grouch.” Yeah, that sounds about right. So “we” – the cheery nephew narrating the ad -  thought it would be a “good joke” to get him to play Santa Claus at the family Christmas party.

“We” have clearly given up on that inheritance, haven’t we? I don’t know why Uncle Joe even agreed to it but he seems to have promised to wear a red suit and show up at 8 pm to do the Santa thing.

Guess what happens next? Uncle Joe is a no-show.

So Cheery Nephew bounces over to Uncle Joe’s palace at 9:30 to find him fast asleep. Because Joe says he drank coffee the night before and didn’t sleep a wink. And everyone knows that you need at least one wink of sleep per night.

After Joe grumbles and whines about coffee for awhile, the cheery young nephew suggests  – Sanka! But Uncle Joe does not get his Sanka until he has heaved himself out of his comfy chair and done a whole vaudeville ho-ho-ho act for the kiddies. He has to work for it, you know.

And the Sankafied version of Uncle Joe is able to sleep all night – untroubled by the ghosts of coffees past. He turns up again the next day, transformed into a happy, sappy bundle of goodwill, in the last picture. I see he brought at least one present, too.

Grinning and carrying one present isn’t quite Scrooge on Christmas morning, cavorting and giggling and ordering large turkeys for poor folk, but it’s a start.

And this ad also gives all you literary folks a little hint for your next research paper. For here is the true motivation behind Scrooge’s initial bitterness and his amazing overnight transformation:

Scrooge just needed to be decaffeinated, that’s all.

The great big version is over here – it’ll be easier to see the whole ridiculous story there (if I put a huge image in the blog post it slows things down a lot, so it’s better to do it this way). The ad is from Life, December 23, 1940.

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Many many thanks to FeeFiFoto who suggested that I write about coffee today, in response to my Twittering about how much I needed coffee to inspire me to write another post.

And Happy Retro Tuesday! Please join my friend Tracy at The Crazy Suburban Mom for Retro Tuesday – she has an amazing Jell-O based post up today (how can you possibly resist that?)

By the way, I just noticed that Sunday’s post, “Startling Detecto,” was Kitchen Retro’s 600th…Speaking of startling. I had no idea I’d been going on and on so much. And for so long! I know, I still need to bring the rest of the WordPress archives of Kitchen Retro over here – I’ll be putting that on my New Year’s Resolutions list, which is getting pretty long. We’ll be talking about New Year’s – well, nearer to New Year’s.

Mind The Bottle, Liz

Things To Remember While Wrapping Presents

by Ersatz Elizabeth Taylor

1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes.

2. Sit in awkward cross-legged position on floor. May never be able to get up again. Do not think about this.

3. Also, do not move upper arms. In fact, cannot move upper arms.

3. Place bottle of delicious, sparkling, refreshing Pepsi-Cola (without moving upper arms, of course) right near present, ribbon, wrapping paper and Scotch tape. One false move – one move of any kind at all, in fact – and it’s going down! Pepsi will be everywhere. OK, better not move at all then.

4. Do not look at present I am wrapping. This is key: never look directly at the present. Do not know why, though.

5. Also do not know exactly why am I giving someone a birdcage. With a bird in it! When did I even buy this? How am I supposed to get the wrapping paper around it? What is going on?

6. Next time, try and think things through a little better.

[The bigger version is here; from Life, December 13, 1954.]

Startling Detecto

A Detecto scale is not “a perfect gift.” Nor is a laundry hamper. And as for the little aluminum wastebasket – not so much, either. This ad ran during the Christmas season of 1949, so it was definitely aimed at the holiday shopper.

Most people do not associate weighing themselves with a good time during the holidays. Consider all those cookies and eggnog and chocolate Santas and so on. Who wants to unwrap a Detecto scale on Christmas morning? No one, that’s who. And it comes complete with unspoken messages! Those are always fun.

Nor is a laundry hamper a wonderful gift idea – even if it is “the World’s Most Beautiful Hamper.” You didn’t even know there was a competition among laundry hampers, did you? Well, there was -  and this is the winner. Good thing we can’t see the losers. And it’s also good that the dirty laundry is not included. I hope.

And finally, the aluminum waste basket. Another festive gift idea that will thrill anyone and make what Detecto calls “the supreme gift.” That’s what you call it if you buy the scale, hamper and waste basket as a set – supreme. Basically, you’re telling the recipient that they’re fat, throw dirty clothes on the floor and have a lot of trash. Hey, happy holidays!

I am sure that the recipients would think of some other words besides supreme for this.

[From Life, December 5, 1949.]

Ave Atque Valetray

OK, so how many of you gave Jade East to your dad as a Christmas present? Please raise your hands.

I am waving my hand wildly. I think I may have used this exciting 1960s dad-gift idea more than once in the late 60s/early 70s period. I was in grade school, what did I know?

I remember thinking that it was a really clever and – dare I say – sophisticated present, and he was kind enough to put it on top of his bureau. Where it sat very politely – and sat and sat. Boy, I thought, he must really like it!

I didn’t really notice that the bottles were staying full, though. Maybe I should have got him the Jade East Coral or Jade East Golden Lime variations. Actually now that I think of it, the phrase “Golden Lime” sounds disturbingly familiar.

The Valetray came with the cologne and after shave but the “Buddha cuff links and tie tack” and the non-Buddha key ring were not included, sadly. If only I’d known about this fabulous Valetray, I would have gone for that one year – just to change things up a little. Valetray ad from Ebony, November 1966 (the Golden Lime picture is from Ebony, April 1968).

Great big version of the Valetray here.

A Merry Little Cleanser

Have yourself a merry little Cleanser
Let your grout be white!
From now on
We’ll use a lot of Seismotite.

Have yourself a can of Old Dutch Cleanser
Those tiles sure look gray;
From now on
You ought to clean them once a day -

Here we are, kneeling by the tub
Wondering why we scrub,
What for?
Old Dutch sure is a gritty mess
Like my housedress and
This floor -

Someday soon I’ll take a break from cleaning
If the grates allow
Until then I’ll Seismotite this joint somehow

And have myself
A merry little Cleanser now.

From Life, December 4, 1939. And by the way, I really, really want to send away for that Exquisitely Designed Cake Plate. But you need SIX Old Dutch labels. That is a little much, Old Dutch. Oh, and one other tiny problem is that it the offer expired 70 years ago…But you can still check it out over here at the big version.

The real actual lyrics to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” are here; and the classic clip of Judy Garland singing the song in Meet Me In St. Louis is here.

And what in the world is seismotite? Aside from being a retro adword that I love, it was a pumice that was supposed to not scratch up your tiles and tubs and things. The Old Dutch Coin Test, which starred seismotite, is explained over here at Old Time.

A Surprising Wow

The taste sensation is a surprising “wow.”

That’s one way of putting it. Land o’Goshen, Land O Lakes, is this the best  you could come up with for Christmas? If you have to butter up a hot drink, what on earth is wrong with Hot Buttered Rum? Or a Hot Brandy Flip? Or a Hot Brick Toddy?*

You can’t make too much!

Oh, but I think you can. And you will. It is inevitable.

They’ll oooh and aaah and ask for the recipe.

No, they won’t. And the sounds you are hearing are groans of dismay, not ooohs and aaahs. Trust me.

*If you go on over to The Doubletake, I will tell you how to make them and all about the vintage cocktail book I got them from!

[From Family Circle's Great Ideas Christmas Helps, 1975, bigger version here.]

Tour De Forst

Forst on the holiday agenda are the Forst Star meats
Those monolithic camera-ready treats -
All hail enormous ham and mighty turkey!
The brand that everyone has happily endorsed
Without even being Forst
By butchers wielding clubs of ancient jerky.

O steaks that are prepared to sear and sizzle
Even in the cold December drizzle
We hail thee with our Cards of Diner’s Club!
We celebrate the sultry Smoked Ham Ball
Which has the power of a siren’s call
To levitate Levittown Ulysses from the pub.

Yes, stars will sparkle ’round your famous Mystery Au Gratin
And your melamine counters will glow like satin
When Forst meats first shimmer into sight:
The holidays get exciting in a good way
Guests behave (for once) not in a rude way:
Why, Forst steak makes them sweet as Turkish Delight.

So rush your orders through and start in on the gifting
A big smoked turkey will make your dinnertime uplifting
And even little snacks seem like a feast:
So stock up, folks, it’s now or never.
Forst rate meat won’t sit around forever
It’s this or else the Grinch’s best Roast Beast.

[This 1962 ad is from the brilliant cabinet of retro wonders that is Modern Mechanix.]