Trick Or Raisin

Life, October 16, 1964

Fewer tricks when you treat ‘em with Sun Maid Raisins, huh?

These children are probably not all that thrilled, not really. Like Junie B. Jones, they are thinking that they did not say “trick or fruit,”* did they? But they will pretend for the camera. They’ll come back and toilet paper the house later.

Having said that, the clown boy does look like he’s dropping the raisins back into the bowl. Doesn’t he? The tiger, too – he’s about to drop them back in, too. And the girl is only smiling because she decided to hang back and wait until they get to the next house, where there’s probably some candy corn, at least.

There’s a particularly funny bit in the sidebar, you can see it better here, where they are pushing raisins for the grownups, too. Set out some bowls of raisins, folks, because

Perhaps you’re having an adult-type party yourself!

What does that even mean, an “adult-type” party? If this adult-type person is going to have to keep answering the constant ding-donging of trick-or-treaters, I’ll need something more festive than Sun-Maid  to sustain me: a chocolate martini would be ideal, I think. Straight up, hold the raisins, please.

*This is my favorite line from the classic holiday tale Junie B. Jones, First Grader: Boo…And I MEAN IT!

The Eddie and Debbiegram

See how Eddie and Debbie
The masters of pretend
Are sitting with a telegram
They say they’re going to send

With its banner decorations
And a background that is yellow
It’s more fancy than a card
Or a phone call to say hello

So Eddie and Debbie write
A message tried and true:
“You’ll want to wire greetings
To your mother, too!”

And won’t their mothers will be confused
Getting this telegram:
Instead of “Happy Mother’s Day”
They’ve got a reprimand -

And rush to send out wires to
Cleveland or Miami
Because Eddie and Debbie seem to think
That they’ve forgotten Grammy.

[In the big version of this ad, from Life, May 6, 1957, it is clear that the pretend telegram Eddie and Debbie are sending has a suitably soppy message. Thank goodness! Although they ought to send along a present, too, really - something like that terrific sea-horse/duck sculpture in the background.

And happy you-know-what to you, if it applies. Otherwise, treat yourself to a chocolate or two anyway, and I'll see you back here tomorrow.]

The Pink Menace

So here we have two pink, rather menacing children looming over giant Easter eggs. The girl’s eyes, in particular, are quite terrifying. She is on the hunt! I am not sure how they are planning to get those enormous eggs into that small Easter basket. The girl probably has a little axe in her pocket though. That’d work.

The little pink rabbit in the green hula skirt* is trying to sneak away unnoticed. He’s a lot smarter than all those chocolate bunnies and jelly candies, who seem to be frozen in place. He knows he’d better get out of there pronto.

*It is just grass he is supposed to be standing on, I know. But it is more fun to think of it as a hula skirt.

[From Life, April 6, 1962.]

Holiday bonus: a classic episode of Untalkative Bunny, starring a different kind of Pink Menace – and it’s even funnier if you have ever watched children’s TV, especially the Teletubbies!

http://www.youtube.com/v/HzwXtrHOJLs&hl=en_US&fs=1&

A Sampling of Whitmaniacs

Those Donalds sure like their Whitman Samplers. The guys like giving them to the gals. The gals like to chomp the chocolates. Although after all these years, year after year of nothing but Whitman’s Samplers – don’t you think the ladies would like something a little different?

The ads says that if you ask any lady what her favorite candy is, the inevitable answer will be: Whitman’s. How many ladies did they ask, do you think? They just asked around the Whitman’s office, I’ll bet. No one dared to say: you know, I really prefer Brach’s Mellowcreme Eggs. 

And note to Martha Donald in the last picture: it is polite to share. See how she’s keeping the box on the side away from John? And “hand strays now and then” to the box for more and more chocolates. I’ll bet John wouldn’t mind a crack at one of those coconut creams, you know.

From Life, March 30 1942, bigger version here.

The Kreml Three Stooges’ Valentine’s Day

Well, which Valentine are you?

SLICKER MOE

A love of Brylcreem and of oil
Will any head of hair bespoil
Moe adds a mustache and is able
To look like a shiny fake Clark Gable.*

FUZZY LARRY

Larry is terribly confused
And his hair is also much bemused
To see him in an awful rush:
He has not thought about a brush.

CURLY CURLY

No nyuk-nyuk-nyuk will come from him
His humor is quite stark and grim
Because his hat is smaller than his nostril
And as a cover-up is prepostril.

AND FINALLY…THE BONUS OUT-OF-CONTEXT ZEPPO!

Then there’s the guy whose hair’s a dreaml
Who smiles and primps and likes to beaml
He has a lot of self-esteeml
Because of course he uses  Kreml.

Happy V-Day from the Ersatz Three Stooges, and, of course, Kreml shampoo!

* Please note that at the bottom of the ad they say that Kreml is 80% olive oil! So how is that going to help Moe?

This 1942 ad is from Ad Access. Large version here.

What A New Year’s Eve This Will Make!

Here are two extremely fun and exciting ideas to make your New Year’s Eve party a – well, a retrospectacular (yeah, I like that word, I just made it up the other day, thought I could use it again here). Even though the visuals are in black and white, you can just imagine the bright and wacky sight that these two party necessities will bring to your house.

Oh yes, they will bring the fun all right! Because really, what else do you need for a fun evening with your guests besides (a) fabulous decorations and (b) a really clever, and sturdy, refreshment area?

You can make a lovely checkered open bar out of cardboard cartons! And the best part is the name that the Popular Mechanics writer thought up for it, back in December 1963. Are you ready? It is called a One Night Stand. I think maybe that writer was making a joke, don’t you? Pretty racy for 1963, eh what?

This certainly is going to be some party!

And wait ’til you see the balloons. You will love them, because you do not stick them on a wall and forget them, oh no. You will be wearing them as hats. This ad is from a 1947 Billboard, by the way, a bit anachronistic with regards to the One Night Stand, but so what, it’s going to be the most amazing party of the year. Of the decade! Or as the Lee-Tex party experts so rightly say – and I really think this sums everything up - What a New Year’s Eve this will make!

Hope you have a terrific New Year’s Eve, wherever you land on the Cardboard-Bar-Balloon-Hat Celebration Spectrum. See you next year (tomorrow) with just one more New Year’s resolution that I don’t think you have even considered. I really am pretty sure you haven’t, anyway…

[If you want to see how to make the One Night Stand, ahem,you can go right over here and have a look.]

You Say You Want A Resolution

Yessiree! It’s time to put down that mince pie and start thinking about Moo Year’s resolutions. I mean, New Year’s resolutions. Elsie the Cow will be delighted to help you. She has a few suggestions:

1. No more eating mince pies while perching on a ladder, sonny! You are supposed to be dealing with the Christmas tree. I’m not sure if it’s being decorated or decimated, maybe both, but either way, it’s no time for snacks.

2. No more jolly chats with imaginary cows, even if you are Elwood P. Dowd‘s farmer cousin. And when you meet Elmer, Elsie’s rageball husband, you will see why this is such a good idea. You really don’t want to get into anything with Elmer, believe me.

3. Oh, and maybe you ought to think about a No Silly Suspenders resolution, too. And No White Socks With Black Shoes. And as for those pants…

[pause]

Yes, all right. That was lightly amusing. (The Elsie ad is from Life, November 22, 1943, by the way.) But what about real resolutions?

Oh, I have some of those. I’ll bet you do, too. Here are just a few of mine:

1. Say, remember NaNoWriMo back in November, says I to myself? Try and think a-l-l-l-l-l-l the way back to November…oh yeah! Mystery novel, Brooklyn, 1890s, Eleanor Grey, Intrepid Girl Detective? Called Frozen Charlotte. (Not Frozen Eleanor, of course, how could she solve a murder mystery if she was frozen?)

How about writing that second draft. Because it really needs some work. Yessiree! A lot of work. A terrible, awful lot of-

2. …Work! Got it.

Moving on. Literally. Because! Got a pedometer for Christmas, to replace the one I lost because it fell off when I was running and it sort of flipped off and by the time I noticed it was too late. Start using the pedometer again. Yes, now. Now! Now!

…Well, not right now, I am writing this. But you know what I mean.

3. Healthy eating, blah blah blah. Not mince pies, obviously. Good thing I don’t even like mince pies.

4. There are probably some other things but I forget what they are. They go here. I think they have to do with managing stress, but can’t really remember. Too stressed, probably.

So there you go…And now if you go over to Nanny Goats In Panties (which is such a terrific, funny blog, you really should pay a visit even if you don’t have any resolutions) – you can join the This Time I Really Mean It challenge.

Please do tell, what are you going to promise to do (or not do) in 2010?  At this point, you know, we’re just making the resolutions, we don’t have to actually do anything yet, so it will be fun! And just to get in the mood, we can listen a live version of John Lennon’s yes-I-do/no-I-don’t homage to change, Revolution. Notice how he sings “you can count me out” and then says “in.” I think we all know just what he means.

http://www.youtube.com/v/WGnKJyw5mwk&hl=en_US&fs=1&

The Annual Christmas Pop-Up

Yes, it does pop up once a year, doesn’t it? Though perhaps not quite like this. It isn’t Halloween anymore, Santa – you’re not supposed to jump out from piles of things and scare people.

Actually this lady just looks bemused, not scared or annoyed (the way I would be if he tried this out on me). She’s probably his wife and has seen him do this many times before. In fact, this is very likely to be the Wembley tie couple from yesterday. She has that pursed-mouth expression down very nicely, all right.

Anyway, I want to wish you all a wonderful and amazing holiday! You might want to put out some extra eggnog, though, because Santa looks like he could use a little sit-down and some refreshments.

[From Life, November 10, 1952.]

The Best Tie To Wear In A Blizzard

This here is no ordinary tie: it’s a Nor-East tie! Strong enough to withstand a Nor’easter (in case you happen to out in a formal-dress-only winter storm). It is uncrushable, this tie. Probably made of asbestos, too.

File this gift idea along with the Jade East: the inevitable Christmas Tie! Yes, that’s the ticket. Get him a tie. Guys sure love getting ties, right? You can’t see this man’s face, but I am sure he looks thrilled. The woman looks startled. Maybe she forgot what she bought him. Maybe she’s stunned that he actually likes it.

I’m stunned that Wembley thinks a tie needs to be strong enough to withstand being crushed and stamped on and twisted up by a pro wrestler and knotted like a rope on a commercial fishing boat. I mean, you put on a tie, it just stays there, right? The most trauma it ever gets is the odd splash of tomato sauce from those three-martini business lunches.

If you get a guy two ties you can reenact the old joke where the mother gets her son two ties.  He wears one the next day. She gives him a look and sighs: So – I guess you didn’t like the other one.

[From Life, December 8, 1952. Larger version over here.]

A Blizzard of Downyflakes

It’s contest time again!

Downyflake Waffles, whose name is more suitable to wash powder (and best not delve into that too deeply) want you to complete a sycophantic quatrain, and they’re willing to make your pockets jingle with anywhere from $10 to $5000 dollars. That was a lot of money in 1956; my mother’s grocery bill around this time was $10 a week in New York City, so you can translate that into 2009 money. And as for the $5000, it was a year’s grocery money. In other words, it was a whole lot of dough (or waffle batter).

But I don’t like the idea of the jingling pockets too much because this implies that you’re getting the prize money in Downyflake’s leftover change. I guess they went around to everyone in the company asking for loose pennies and nickels. You’d be jingling all right if you won $5000 in pennies, would you not?

So here’s the deal. You’re supposed to finish this little poetic gem:

Frozen Downyflake 1-Minute Waffles
With homemakers really do rate
Wonderfully tasty, so simple to serve….

-You’ll want to eat seven or eight
-They get cold if you leave them too late
-No thank you, I already ate
-That aftertaste soon will abate
-Those downy flakes sure wash clothes great!*

There are some rhymes for rate over here, if you want to give it a bash.

And if you’d like more retro contest amusement, here’s an Old Dutch Cleanser jingle contest and a caption-the-baby-picture contest. The enormous version of the ad is over here; this is from Life, September 24, 1956 (which gave you a couple of months to think of jingles).

*They may not choose this one as part of their advertising campaign, though.