That Lazy No-Good Scalp

from Life, May 26, 1941

Oh, it seems so obvious in retrospect. Your scalp used to work so hard, doing – well, whatever a scalp does. Pushing out hairs. Tingling when you did your one hundred brushstrokes a day. It was the boss of your hair, telling it to look shiny and perky when you came near a mirror.

But now? It is LAZY. How do we know this? Because your hair is dull. Lifeless. And talk about hard to manage. Tell your hair to shape up, some mornings – and what does it do? Absolutely nothing. You can almost hear it saying “Um, I’m having a bad day! Leave me alone!”

Or perhaps that is you talking to your reflection. When you have a Bad Hair Day, it really is a Bad Scalp Day. Whatever is going on – it’s bad.

But your scalp just needs to wake up. You can’t yell at it or put a jangling alarm clock on like a hat (well, you can, but it will not work). And you can’t pour a cup of coffee over your head and think that’s going to help. It will drip down your face. And it will ruin the alarm clock.

Enter the Vitalator! It looks like a tiny cement mixer. It will make your whole head vibrate. Yes, how relaxing it will be for you to hold this heavy whirring thing up to your head.

Your scalp will not relax, though. It might think about starting to work again. Then again, it just might start looking for another job.

Your Head Becomes Whipped Cream

Ah, there’s Alice – stuck in a barrel, with a disconnected phone. That’s the way she is when she sees her favorite color. Remember the time she went crazy in the Pepto-Bismol factory? And the time Madge served that really big cherry chiffon Jell-O mold? I don’t know what we’re going to do about her…. 

Pink Is For Girls

That’s why girls like Lustre-Creme. It’s the only pink shampoo. Pink says we’re rich, so rich your whole head becomes one great swirl of whipped-cream lather. Pink says we leave hair soft, and inviting to touch. And should a certain someone get too close, he’ll notice that we have a delightful “pink” fragrance, too. Pink, creamy Lustre-Creme. It’s the one shampoo made just for girls. Because pink is just for girls. You’re a girl, aren’t you?

Well, yes she is. But a few strawberries short of a pie, all the same.

[1968 ad, from Vintage Ads LiveJournal.]

Hollywood Try-Ons

What a thrill!

Yes, isn’t it.

Try ‘em on! Pick your favorite! Hollywood “Try-On” Hairstyles To Make You A Glamour Queen!

Send away for these pieces of cardboard with different hairstyles drawn on them, that have a hole cut out for your face. Then stick your face through each one for an instant, glamorous pretend makeover!

But what do you do once you have picked your favorite? How, oh how will you become a Hollywood Glamour Queen? Are you going to have to walk around like that all day, holding a piece of cardboard up to your head?

No, of course not! Simply “cut and style your hair” to look like the cardboard cut-out. Easy peasy! They include instructions, after all. And also “Professional Gel and Setting Instructions.” Oh, and maybe you will have to dye your hair, too. But the dye is not included.

And if you are not thrilled, you’ll get your dollar back! What a terrific deal.

[From LiveJournal.]

Moon Over Amami

Well, if you are wanting to buy up any of the last bottles of Amami setting lotion, you had better hurry. I read it in the Daily Mail, you see. Yes, I read the Daily Mail – I like to keep up, you know.

So you’d better make sure you hurry straight over to England because that’s where they are selling the Last Bottles of Amami. Yes, the very setting lotion that we’ve made fun of right here (though only once I see, not nearly enough!) was still being made up until – right now! I didn’t know. And now it is too late.

What is Amami, I hear you asking (not really)? It is a quick-setting curling lotion and conditioner. It is “the secret of round-the-clock grooming.” And of being “Neat in the Kitchen” (just don’t peek in the sink, or the oven).

So that’s the big secret! That is why I look so horrendous and frizzy-haired at 6 am: lack of Amami. You see, Amami is something that “clever wives, wise to their husbands’ admiration” use pretty much all the time. Which lets me out right there. That really is too clever for me, especially at 6 am. I’m not even wise to where the coffee is (wherever it is, it needs to be closer) or what the horrible scratching noises are (that would be our cats, hinting that they would like breakfast).

But anyway: in honor of Amami, I thought we ought to do an advertisement about it today. And another bad-pun title (there were so many that sprang to mind: the Amami Blogger, Amami Knows Best, Just Amami – but I went for something a little different).*

And in hunting for Amami ads, I stumbled upon a fabulous, terrific site called History World, which I highly recommend – why, there is even an Ad Museum! So you can imagine that just like Christmas morning for me, over there. The link to this 1953 Amami ad is from History World, right here.

*Moon Over Miami was a 1935 song, a 1941 movie with Betty Grable, a 1990s TV show and a breakfast dish more commonly known as Egg In the Basket (it is a piece of toast with the center cut out, in which reposes a fried egg). None of which have a thing to do with setting lotion – though maybe we could pretend that Betty Grable used it on her blond curls.

The Grateful Sted Head

Well, up in Canada they know
How to make evil dandruff go;
On falling hair they have a ban
From St. John’s to Saskachewan
And way out west in far Vancouver
A guy can make some smooth manoeuvre
Without the fear that his toupee
Might fly off to Yellowknife someday.

These lucky old Canadian guys
Have some strange potion or device
That gives them confidence and hair
On heads that once were tundra-bare.
All hail American Sted Pitt
Who though down south, got wind of it!
His friends thank him both night and day
For lovely locks that came to stay.
They do not mind a tumbled bedhead,
Better than baldness is a Sted head.

So steady on, American men
Luxuriant hair will grow again;
Just take that dollar you’ve been savin’
And send it to Sted Pitt in New Haven.
What is Sted’s method, you may ask?
Let’s summarize this simple task:
Just cut a hole in a dollar bill
And stick it on your head at will
No one will notice that you’re bald -

That’s not the first thing you’ll be called.

[This 1931 advertisement is from Modern Mechanix, which is a cornucopia of wonders...]

The Lustre-Creme and I

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr*
What has happened to your hair?

When you were in The King and I
Did you feel anxious to espy

The chromium domain of Yul Brynner
And panic that your hair grew thinner?

His lustrous pate made you fair game
For buying stuff with a far-fetched name.

Behold, this tube of Lustre-Creme
Is like the crux of a bad dream:

No radiant shine, no silky set
Can come from squeezing that Tubette

Of what is just some plain shampoo
Which, though it cleanses, is not new

And though it made your red hair clean
Does not impart the slightest sheen.

Your rueful gaze and drab expression
Makes plain your silent sad confession

That soap does not transfigure hair:
Conditioner might, though, Deborah Kerr.

******

* Deborah Kerr (1921-2007) was a well-known Scottish-born actress, best known for pictures such as The King and I and From Here to Eternity. Her name, apparently, was pronounced to rhyme with car. But let’s pretend we don’t know that, OK? And also Lustre-Creme does not rhyme with King. I know, I know. That’s all I’ve got today, though!

Oh wait:

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr
With Lustre-Creme you went too far

And though you are a movie star
You look as though you took a bar

Of Ivory Soap or a jumbo jar
Of shampoo from the Cheapo Bazaar

For if you think your hair glows bright
You may amend that thought tonight

You might as well apply soap of coal tar
Than Lustre-Creme, oh Deborah Kerr.

[OK, now I'm really done. Promise. Over and out!]

[Many thanks to Vintage Scans for this ad from Woman, October 20, 1956.]

The Kreml Three Stooges’ Valentine’s Day

Well, which Valentine are you?

SLICKER MOE

A love of Brylcreem and of oil
Will any head of hair bespoil
Moe adds a mustache and is able
To look like a shiny fake Clark Gable.*

FUZZY LARRY

Larry is terribly confused
And his hair is also much bemused
To see him in an awful rush:
He has not thought about a brush.

CURLY CURLY

No nyuk-nyuk-nyuk will come from him
His humor is quite stark and grim
Because his hat is smaller than his nostril
And as a cover-up is prepostril.

AND FINALLY…THE BONUS OUT-OF-CONTEXT ZEPPO!

Then there’s the guy whose hair’s a dreaml
Who smiles and primps and likes to beaml
He has a lot of self-esteeml
Because of course he uses  Kreml.

Happy V-Day from the Ersatz Three Stooges, and, of course, Kreml shampoo!

* Please note that at the bottom of the ad they say that Kreml is 80% olive oil! So how is that going to help Moe?

This 1942 ad is from Ad Access. Large version here.

The Sinister Hat Check

He was young just a moment ago.

He knew it had been a mistake to meet his blind date at a bar called the Last Follicle. Even though he had put on his favorite little hat. Walked into the joint with wavy locks even a pre-Delilahfied Samson would have envied. All the girls loved his hair. Everyone did, really. He was the King of the Gigolos, he used to tell people; he enjoyed seeing the annoyed looks cross their jealous faces.

Blind Date Sally had asked, how will I know you, Sam? He’d said: “Oh, I have really long, luxurious wavy hair – the color of autumn chestnuts. In fact, it’s the best hair you’ve ever seen.”

And she had laughed and said: “Autumn chestnuts, huh? We’ll see about that.”

Then she suggested a little club he’d never been to. Said it was the hippest place in town, where all the models went. That would get him over there in a hurry, she thought.

He walked through the door of the strange little club, down at the end of Boiled Egg Alley.

Walking into the Last Follicle was his first mistake. But using the check-room was the second. A little voice said: “Sam, look out now, do not check your hat!” He looked around. “In here,” said the voice. “This is your pocket comb talking. I’m warning you, buddy, stay out of here! This place is dangerous!”

But he didn’t listen. He wouldn’t listen. I can do whatever I like, he thought: why, I’m Sam Samson, owner of the best head of hair in Chrome City. He looked into his pocket and glared. “Shut up,” he said to the comb. “Just shut up.” The hat check girl stifled a giggle. 

But he left his youth in the check-room along with his hat…

Sally was not pleased. Her plucked eyebrows alone were angry enough for five ordinary women. “You disregarded the warning your comb gave you when it carried away your hair,” she said – which was one way of saying hello, perhaps.

“You read Kreml ads, I see,” Sam said. “Your dialogue is stilted, sister. And anyway, there’s something strange about this place.”

“It happens to be under the management of the Kreml Company,” Sally said. “And I am their top saleswoman.” She pulled a big bottle of Kreml from her tiny evening bag (how she did that he could not say). “Try this. It will make your hair behave without giving that sticky gigolo look.”

“Oh, so that’s your racket.”

“Yes, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a sticky gigolo. And a girl has to be careful these days.” She stood up and smiled a scary little smile. “Bye bye, Sam. I think you’ll find that when you leave, if you put your hat on very carefully  – and behave yourself with all those girls who like Byronic curls on a fellow – you might just get your hair back on the way home. Just – remember: skip the gigolo bit. And use Kreml – lots and lots of Kreml.”

Sam grabbed his hat and jammed it on his head as he ran up Boiled Egg Alley. And from deep within his coat pocket he heard muffled laughter.

[From Ad Access. Giant version here.]

Kitten With A Whippie

No groovier product
Than hair stuff in a can
Has ever been made for the Kids by the Man

Hey beatnik, it’s heavier
Than double spelt bread
And never was there a more Grateful Head

For conditioner drips
When you’re high on good karma
Your freak flag is flying but soap’s messing your dharma

Though alternative lifestyles
May include tilting-head power
To avoid getting stuff in your eyes in the shower,

The Establishment thinks
It would be very funny
To see the Young Folks spend a whole lot of money,

For aerating makes volume
So what looks like a lot’ll
Be half what you got when it came in a bottle

So draw headbands and peace signs
To make your head trippy;
But one thing is quite clear: no true hippie is Whippie.

[From LiveJournal.]

Fun Fact: the Urban Dcitonary says that whippie is now used to mean a wealthy hippie – a hippie-crite, you might say. And Mr. Whippy is British (and New Zealander) ice cream – there was a Mr. Whippy truck in A Hard Day’s Night, that’s how I know. And I took the title from the 1964 Ann-Margret movie, link here.

Kreml and Punishment

You don’t have to wear a wig to have “Toupée Hair.”

And you don’t have to look like a store mannequin.
You don’t have to look like you’re wearing eye makeup with that fake mustache.
You don’t have to wear that toupée.
You just don’t.

Why do you look like this?
Is it because you use too much water when you shampoo?
As the Kreml people say:

Stop soaking your head with water every time you want to comb your hair.

Just stop that right away. All that water is bad, bad, bad for you. You know where it’s got you? Looking like a mannequin zombie. With Moe’s Three Stooges hair, after it went to the beauty parlor for a perm, stuck on your head. And a false mustache you stole from a rogue barbershop quartet.

And a giant wax doll’s head.

This is not a good look. You know it and so do we. No wonder you look a trifle depressed. Fortunately, Kreml is here to cheer you up.

Kreml is “a marvelous oil-tonic.” Exactly what you need! Once you start using it, you will not require white eyeshadow from the 1960s. And you will be happy:

It is a joy to use, and a boon to sufferers from “Toupée Hair.”

As for your other issues, Kreml does not know what to tell you. But not soaking your head in buckets of cold water is a good start, anyway.

]This bizarre 1935 ad is from Ad Access, large version here (or rather over there, at Ad Access)].