Do you think Hot Dan was lurking outside the dining room window because he just knew that Millie’s corned beef and cabbage dinner was heading for disaster? Maybe. Because you know it has to upset him when people don’t use you know what on their food.
Either that or he saw the Hot-Signal (shaped like a jar of mustard) shining in the night sky, the way it does whenever someone in Gotham City is having condiment issues. So Hot Dan hopped into the Mustardmobile and zoomed straight over.
Imagine how long Millie must have boiled everything: Calvin doesn’t even know what it is. And she thought he’d be pleased! He surely won’t be pleased to learn that although he tastes corn, there isn’t any corn in corned beef (the corning is a sort of pickling process, and does not involve any golden kernels of deliciousness).
Everyone is hot and bothered, all right. Millie went to so much trouble, boiling dinner for four hours! And Calvin, after a long hard day at the Ministry of Patent Leather Hair, is being a smart aleck.
They probably need to cool down (a nice Jell-O mold might be just the ticket). But – nope, here comes Hot Dan the Mustard Man with – yes, you guessed it, hot mustard. This is his answer to everyone’s problems. You just lost your keys? Kids won’t stop playing handball against your garage door? Or is the Joker roaming the dark city streets, menacing kindly shopkeepers and ordinary citizens?
The answer is very simple: French’s Hot Mustard. And they all lived happily ever after. Although Millie got a little tired of Hot Dan popping in through the window to check that they had a jar of French’s on the table at all times.
It is, after all, “Tangy, Tasty Magic Fluff!”
Wait…what? Fluff? Oh no – I know who it is under that Hot Dan disguise: the Micro-Fluff Man! Soon Calvin and Millie will be pasting Micro-Fluff on all their belongings – that is, when they’re not dousing their food in hot mustard, using the “ducky” yellow spoon that he brought them (the handle looks just like Hot Dan, and its foot hooks over the jar, which must look lovely).
[Thank you so much to TJS Labs for this amazing episode in the Adventures of Hot Dan, which first appeared in Good Housekeeping in 1936.]
More Hot Dan right this way:
And there are some hilarious Batman quotes here, apropos of nothing really – but they are fun. One of my favorites is: “It’s obvious. Only a criminal would disguise himself as a licensed, bonded guard, yet callously park in front of a fire hydrant.” (Hot Dan never does this, because (a) he is not a criminal of course and (b) people may need to get to the water supply in a hurry because that is HOT mustard).