The Nervy Neighbours

So I have these neighbors, Millie and Madge.

And they make me nervous, because – well, my goodness, look at them. See Millie there on the left, pretending to be sweet as pie? Don’t be fooled. She’s telling me about a screaming fight she had with Sissy Sassafras, who’s in her bridge club – who actually dared to refuse second helpings of Millie’s famous canned vegetable and gelatin pie.  

The nerve! The absolute nerve of that hussy! I told her blah blah blah blah and then she said blub blub blub blub and then well I just came right back, I didn’t hesitate, I said right to her face, I said – say, are you listening to me, dear? Well? Are you?

You get the picture.

And then we have Madge. She doesn’t even try to hide her opinion under a layer of sugar frosting – she just sits there and gives a person the Hairy Eyeball. See? See her staring at me? And she won’t talk much, just harumphs and sighs like you were sticking pins in her and making her drink lemon juice instead of Postum. Huh. That’s a thought, you know. But Postum reminds me – yes, Postum…

My doctor thinks Postum will help me in these situations. After I stopped laughing hysterically, I told him I needed something to calm me down and keep me from beaning the neighbour ladies over the head with one of Jim’s socks. Preferably one full of – of – of -

You know what I mean…Yes. Well. Anyway -

So the doctor just chuckled – good thing I didn’t have a sock full of something-or-other with me right then! – and said it was a case of Too Much Caffeine that was making me so cranky.

He can call it Caffeine or anything he likes. All I know is, I was hiding behind the curtains whenever Millie or Madge (or heaven help me, both of them at once) rang the doorbell. Ding-dong!  I would put on a deep fake voice and say in a gruff, crabby-husband way, “Nobody’s home.”

I don’t think I fooled them though, because the first time I did it, Madge said, “Well, then, who are you?”

“This is Boopsie, the German shepherd,” I growled -  and then I barked a few times, for effect.

So now they keep asking me where Boopsie is. In this lovely picture – right up at the top there, see? – I am telling them he is right here, in the sugar bowl. And from their reaction to this, I have a feeling they won’t be back any time soon – don’t you? And it’s all thanks to Postum – somehow.

[From the Digital Collections at Duke University.]

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