A Wild and Crazy Record

Troy Cory has a little – well – proposition for you. He’s going to sing for you. And this is what you are going to do:

Dine by it. Dance by it. Romance to it. Work with it. Relax to it – and even discuss it.

Um, OK. I could eat a sandwich near it and then do the Peppermint Twist. And I could work with it – as long we can communicate directly. If we can’t, I’ll be discussing it behind its back, all right.

Now, if you don’t have speakers in the bedroom, Troy will not be singing – no matter how much you plead, or how much money you send in. The records simply will not emit sound if you don’t have a ginormous hi-fi system set up in there.

And it must be a quadrophonic system, too. The goth in white satin over on the right is actually a qualified sound engineer and will be checking up on you.

It also helps to be a 70s guy who wears gold medallions and call women chicks and foxes. Just like the Two Wild and Crazy Guys on Saturday Night Live. This is exactly the sort of record they would have, isn’t it?

Perhaps you will make friends with two foxes, like Troy! That will be interesting, especially if his girlfriend shows up at the recording studio. It will be the Closest He Ever Came to A Black Eye.

I would also like to direct you to the dubious song titles. Personally, I don’t think that a song called “I Must Remind Myself To Cry” sounds very romantic. Sounds like an ode to a To-Do list. Although the song I tend to sing is called I Must Remind Myself To Vacuum. And “It’s Impossible” evokes not romance, but the age-old problem of trying to load the dryer and write at the same time.

P.S. For a Special Bonus Troy will sing even more songs. Including – in Column B – “Light My Fire.” That would be pretty special, to hear his version of that.

From Popular Science, of all things, October 1973. And the picture of the Wild and Crazy Guys is from snlparty.com.

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Thank you so much to vanilla at String Too Short To Tie for the J’Adore Tien Blog award!

The Dishonor Roll

No good is going to come out of this, is it?

For $3.50 you can buy a thousand pieces of fake – OK, counterfeit – money, and make them into one giant roll. A 1920s financial futomaki roll of play money.

And then what? Why, you start “flashing [it] at the proper time and peeling a genuine bill or two from the outside of the roll.”

You can see how stunned the fellow on the left is. This is just the sort of impression you want to make.

“The effect created will be found to be all that can be desired.” So basically, you can start deceiving people just as soon as the nice folks at the novelty company can mail you the fake money. Just imagine the possibilities! A life of deception, criminal activity and possible jail time could be yours, just by purchasing this item.

So dig through your old Monopoly set and find some nice white dollar bills to send to Johnson Smith and Co. in Racine, Wisconsin. I’m sure they won’t mind. Just roll them up, stick a real dollar bill on top and put it in the mail. That’s sure to make a great impression.

[Johnson Smith and Co. had a full page ad with many things like this - actually even worse stuff, which we can get to later - and it's from Popular Mechanics, November 1926.]

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This is a belated contribution to Retro Tuesdays under the gracious retro aegis of Tracy at Crazy Suburban Mom. If you would like to make your Tuesday Retro also – and really, why wouldn’t you? – you can go over there and join in, too.

Coffee and Banquettes

This place is a restaurant and just to make sure you realize this, the sign outside says “Restaurant Restaurant.” It’s twice as good as anywhere else in Dallas in the 1950s. In town or in the country!

And I especially love the banquette seating that wraps around that central pillar. I’ll have my cocktails there, please.

I’ll be having a Country Club, which according to my Jimmy of Ciro’s cocktail recipe book – from the 1930s – is made with 1 part French vermouth, 1 part Bacardi Rum and a teeny dash of Orange Curacao.

The Cowboy cocktail, which is also appropriate here at the Restaurant Restaurant, is made of 2 parts whisky to 1 part cream. That might be nice mixed with coffee, later on, since it is National Coffee Day. (Thank you so much to Louise at Months of Edible Celebrations for this info, otherwise I would have been swigging coffee all day not realizing that I was actually celebrating something as well as dosing myself with caffeine. I always like this kind of multi-tasking.)

So – scratch the Country Clubs and let’s have Irish Cowboy Coffees instead.

And thanks to coltera at Flickr for the fabulous postcard!

Put the Blame On Jane

Poor Jane. Look at her, she’s so worried about why Bob can’t seem to get ahead at the office:

“Tell me, Grace, your husband works in the same office as Bob – what is the matter?…he just doesn’t seem to fit in.”

Grace puts on her little Green Elf Thinking Cap and tells her why. It’s all over the office – and she doesn’t mean gossip. “B.O. is something no one will excuse.” Well, except Jane. But how could she not have noticed that Bob stinks worse than Plan 9 From Outer Space? Because she buys crummy soap, that’s why. This interferes with her olfactory sense. Guilty as charged!

So, cue the usual comic strip Lifebuoy ad: (a) wife stocks bathroom with Lifebuoy, (b) guy in shower, looking happy, (c) guy gets “fine promotion” and (d) everything’s peachy – plus she ends up using it too, so they can be hygienic together. Very romantic.

However! Here comes the dark subtext, and it packs a punch: Are Wives To Blame?

Hint: The answer is Yes.

Because Bob actually says that he used to use Lifebuoy before they were married! And Jane thinks: yep, all my fault! I am the one to blame. So this is really a rhetorical question. Of course they think Wives Are To Blame.

Why Doesn’t He Get Ahead? It’s not the three-hour martini lunches, or the mixup with the Frozen Fish Fingers account (Bob took them out for steak and spent the whole time talking about how much he hates seafood). It’s because you are buying the wrong soap, sister.

Fine. Fine. Just remember, Lifebuoy Boys: wives can go out and buy Camay or Sunlight – which come without Bonus Guilt. And without that Free Pamphlet, “How to Self-Torture,” Included with Every Purchase.

Here’s a link to the large version at Ad Access, so you can drink in all the dialogue.

Music Monday: Golden Years

It’s Music Monday and this is a retro blog so…I think we can work something out!

For my first MM I’m just going to jump right in with “Golden Years” by David Bowie, released in November 1975. It went to #10 in the US and #8 in the UK and was the first single off the album Station to Station (released in January 1976).

This song is definitely on my college soundtrack. When I hear it I’m right back there. I had several Bowie albums back then, in the 80s. I’m sure a lot of you remember those – the black discs that came in cardboard covers large enough to have loads of interesting pictures and text on them. I miss them, although at the same time do not miss the space they took up. I liked the covers, though.

http://www.youtube.com/v/HRD0ghlFSgk&hl=en&fs=1&

Music Monday comes to you via Lady Java’s Lounge, where there’s always fab music playing!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Fabulous, Quirky, and Wearing a Mesh Fruit Basket

Your result for The Classic Dames Test…

Katharine Hepburn

You scored 21% grit, 29% wit, 52% flair, and 10% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

I am glad that I’m quirky – nay, fabulously quirky! – like Katharine Hepburn. She’s one of my favorite actresses. Although to be honest, I’m not digging that hat she has on up there. It’s like an Easter bonnet made out of a kitchen strainer.

I’m not quite so quirky as that hat, and I’ll bet she wasn’t either.

But the quiz was really fun. It’s The Classic Dames Test at HelloQuizzy. Thanks so much to Mrs. Bee at I Wanna Be June Cleaver! for leading me to this, which was quite good fun. For the guys, here’s the Classic Leading Man test.

What Classic Dame or Leading Man are you?

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Thanks so much to Shinade at The Painted Veil for the Most Inspirational Blog award, which will forever have a place of honor, not only because she is such a wonderful person, but as the first one for The Doubletake!

Getting Set For Life

Store Owner: Can I help you, sir? Don’t get many Foreign Legion officers round these parts, you know. Maybe I can interest you in some sun lotion…

Salesman: Well, actually I have an Amazing New Business and I am sure you’d like to see what I’ve got here. Take a gander at these Counter Card Goods!

Store Owner: What in tarnation are Counter Card Goods supposed to be?

Salesman: Well…I don’t rightly know. But I was told that this is part of my Big-Pay Route.

Store Owner: I see. What else you got there?

Salesman: I have 200 products! How about some aspirin?

Store Owner: We sell that already, sir. This is a general store.

Salesman: OK, what about razor blades? Or even better: Chocolated Laxatives! No one can resist a Chocolated Laxative. I know I can’t.

Store Owner: I’m sorry, we have razor blades. And laxatives, both chocolated and plain. We are ready for anything, sir!

Salesman: But – but – we’re supposed to make up to 140% profit on this, both of us! This is an amazing new business – that’s what the World’s Products folks down in Spencer, Indiana, say in their big catalog…[Leaves store, furrowing brow deeply] Can’t think what’s went wrong there. Hmmm. Must be the hat.

Matchmaker to the Socks

I’m going to be trying out a few memes over the next few weeks, tweaking them to have a retro cast because this is turning out to be a catchall-retro blog. I just really like old pop culture, I guess. But this is the Friday Frustrations meme – brought to you by Conversations With Moms – so we’re going to talk about something I don’t really like. Something, in a word, frustrating.

How ’bout socks? I like socks in general because they keep feet warm and dry and fairly happy.

But why oh why oh why:

- Do socks always hide when they go in the wash? I always end up with odd socks when they come out of the dryer. And I don’t think they’re hiding in there on the side because I look. They’re gone! They must sneak out the back door when I’m not looking.

- Do they pill and get all stringy in the most annoying places, like across the inside of the toes? That’s no good.

- Do high socks sag like W.C. Fields’ jowls? Retro socks mean droopy high socks to me. Socks with almost no elastic in the tops. Green ugly Girl Scout Socks. Navy or white plastic-knit socks (you know the kind of plasticky yarn I mean) that were around your ankles ten minutes after you started walking to school. Talk about frustrating!

-Oh, and one more thing. I’m just tired of pairing up socks. Matchmaker to the Socks! Ugh, such a bore. And they don’t even come back and tell you good dating gossip. Mind you, what would that be like? ‘He was too linty and needs darning – find me someone newer!’.

Image from Graphic Design – TJS Labs. Look at how this lady has dealt with her sock frustration by cutting them all into fringe and making a lovely dress out of them!

[I'll catch up with the old postcards next week, on a random day. The retro recipe might move around a bit, too. Wow, talkin' 'bout a revolution...]

All About Eve’s Makeup

Eve’s To Do List, 1945

1. Make the snake sit on your head to mimic a cunning little hat. Bribe it with the promise of a makeover.

2. Put a gold buckle on its head. Ignore hissing and protesting. Tell snake you know a thing or two more about fashion than it does.

3. Put dusting powder all over the Garden of Eden, to brighten it up.

4. Put a nice shiny red apple in middle of powder. Give it a sidelong sultry look. Ignore snake’s sarcastic remarks about people who think they are like movie stars just because they spill powder on the ground and try to impress pieces of fruit.

5. Put moisturizing cream on snake to beautify scaly skin. Hope that it will shut snake up.

6. Apply Revlon’s new Fatal Apple Lipstick. Fatal? Wait – maybe you should dress up like Snow White! Ignore snickering from snake on head.

From Ad Access.

The Awful Waffle

Apparently it’s Waffle Night at the Joneses. And if you want to keep up with them (and you know you do) – you’re going to have to haul out the waffles, too. Hey, that rhymes. But this isn’t a poetry post. I’ll do an ode to Duff’s next time (there are more Duff’s ads to mock, you know).

And what are the Joneses jonesing for on their waffles? Creamed peas. “No meat, but everyone’s happy.” Is that what they told you, Mrs. Jones? Perhaps you are just misinterpreting that nervous laughter that’s going around the table.

I seriously doubt that anyone has said that they are happy about creamed peas on a waffle for dinner. Are we sure the phrase isn’t “throwing up with the Joneses”?

Thanks, but I think I won’t keep up with them after all.

There is even more Duff’s Waffle Mix fun over here, from the summer of 2008.

[Thank you to TJS Labs Graphic Design for this one, from a 1943 Woman's Day.]

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And thank you so much to Mommy Kennedy at The Frugal Kennedys for the best Blog Award!

And also: I have disabled Entrecard ads. I’ll let the already-bought ones run and then I am leaving Entrecard. Not a fan of the sponsored ads. How about you? Do tell in the comments!

I’ll be bookmarking and subscribing to lots of EC friends, so it isn’t goodbye at all. And I’ll have more time to visit, comment and – you know – actually write stuff.