From a session with the celebrated analyst Dr. Pepper (who is rather a mystery figure, since no one knows if he is a condiment, a vegetable, or a soft drink)…
Little Depressed Pumpkin Cookie: It all started with that Charlie Brown special. You know the one. The one with that…Great Pumpkin. All that fuss Linus makes, sitting around all night waiting…it just got me thinking, doc, how there was this huge thing I had to aspire to – that I could never be. How can I be a Great Pumpkin? I’m just a little sugar cookie – no, its true. It’s just that I’d never thought of myself that way before and frankly it got me down.
And then I began to notice all the real pumpkins. Those big orange things. I began to feel so little! I tried to tell myself, so all right, you’re a cookie. That’s something. People like cookies.
Then it occurred to me that people who like cookies tend to – eat cookies. And I started to feel very anxious…about being consumed.
Dr. Pepper: By the mother figure, perhaps?
LDPC: Not really. I think she might be on a diet. I mean by anyone – anyone can just open the tin and take one of us. Or maybe they’re going to throw us in someone’s bag on the 31st! Just whoever comes to the door, ding-dong, trick or treat! Oh here you go, have a nice cookie, little boy pretending to be a robot! Only that’s me they’re tossing, doctor. Without any thought for my feelings. My needs. Do they ever think of my needs as a small baked seasonal confectionary item? I don’t think so!
Dr. Pepper: That seems to make you angry.
LDPC: I notice that candy is allowed to be angry. You ever read that e.e. cummings poem about Angry Candy? What about us cookies? Open any cookbook and you see us with big smiles and happy gumdrops all over us…I don’t think that’s really fair, do you?
Dr. Pepper: I see that Good Housekeeping – is that it?
LDPC: Oh, that. I don’t read that magazine. Too many ads.
Dr. Pepper: I notice that they put a picture of you in their Party Book. And you are certainly not smiling. Nor are you covered in – how do you say? – in happy gumdrops.
LDPC: Woody Allen, Portnoy, e.e. cummings’ Whitman Sampler – it’s OK for them to whine and call it art! What about me? Just because I’m not a gigantic vegetable deity in a Peanuts special, does that make it all right to treat me like a little snack?
Dr. Pepper: Hmmm…a fear of abandonment. A fear of being consumed…This is very normal. And even more normal if you’re a cookie, I suppose. What about the little Halloween cat next to you, you are friends, no?
LDPC: Well, not really…he keeps to himself. He’s turned away from me, you see? Hostile. I always wanted to talk to that gingerbread man, the one in the story – he ran away, he got out, you see. My hero! The Jack Kerouac of cookies. I’d love to meet that guy.
Dr. Pepper: And the snowman cookie? Do you speak with him?
LDPC: The snowman? Are you kidding me? Stick coconut and a hat on him and he’ll smile ’til next Tuesday! I tell him, just wait until that Santa Claus guy comes around and you’re sitting next to a big glass of milk. Does he listen? No, hey….hey, doc! Wake up! You haven’t heard a thing I’ve said! I want to tell you about my dream where there’s this big Mixmaster and…
Dr. Pepper: Oh look, that little clock cookie is telling me that our time today is up…I’ll see you next week, at the same time. And next time I would like you to bring a big glass of milk, yes?