The Old Soft Soap

Thank goodness it’s only Mr. Blank the grocer on the phone to middle-aged Betty Boop! He’s brightened up her life, but only with soap. The old soft soap routine! “Cleans Easier – Works Faster – Doesn’t Scratch.” Yes, that Mr. Blank (the worst alias ever!) works faster all right! As far as not scratching, well, I really don’t want to know the sordid details.

Still, Mr. Boop there needs a little anger management, wouldn’t you say? One phone call and he’s packing his bags! Having said that, why is the grocer calling Betty up to see how the soap is working? Most grocers don’t act like this. That’s a mighty saucy grocer you have there, Betty! Can’t you two just meet out back of the store?

Still, Mr. Boop calms down quite fast. He’s like the weather here this month: thunder and rain for a moment followed by blue skies (rinse and repeat!). Anything that makes the cleaning easier for you, dear! Even if it means Betty keeps “forgetting” things on her shopping list and has to keep running down to the Piggly Wiggly…

This reminds me of a similar 1930s ad (this Sunbrite one is from 1936) – the Drano ad where Mr. Snickers is whipped into a psychotic froth because of a clogged drain. Mr. Boop must be his cousin or something. Their family reunions must be quite a lot of fun!

This is my offering for Vintage Thingies Thursday, which is hosted by the Apron Queen.

Instant Coffee Karma

Instant coffee karma’s gonna get you.

Because there’s coffee, coffee everywhere, but not so much to drink…No, no – to cook with. I love the specialty cookbooks, like this one from my buddy Maxwell House, from 1965. Coffee at every meal, the cover cries in urgent tones (much like me in the morning!). Coffee in everything that you cook! Quickly, quickly, bring more caffeine! And make sure that it is from the House of Maxwell, while you’re at it.

This is the sort of cuisine to make our old friend Mr. Caffein Nerves twitch with emotion.

Yes, there are the usual recipes for flavored coffees and there are lots of cakey things (coffee cakes and cakes with coffee in them, et cetera) but there are also rather – surprising recipes. Prepare to be amazed! For example:

COFFEE-LEMON SALAD DRESSING

1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
1/4 cup salad oil
1 Tb lemon juice
2 tsps instant quality coffee

Blend ingredients together. Chill thoroughly. Stir and serve with salads of chilled canned or fresh fruit. makes one cup. Creamy version: substitute 1/2 cup mayo for the salad oil and increase lemon juice to 2 Tb.

There are main courses in which you can insert a teaspoonful or two (hey, maybe three!) of instant coffee: spaghetti sauce, barbecued ribs. You can drown your chops in coffee gravy and your shrimp tempura in coffee sweet-and-sour sauce. You can even put it in a fish dish:

FISH BRAZILIA

1 lb fresh flounder or sole fillets
2 tsps quality instant coffee
1 Tb lemon juice
3 Tb salad oil
1/2 tsp onion salt
Lemon slices (optional)
Ripe or stuffed green olives (optional)

Place fish fillets in shallow baking dish. Dissolve instant coffee in lemon juice; combine with oil and salt, mixing thoroughly. Pour coffee mixture over fish and let stand 30 minutes, turning once after about 15 minutes. Broil 3 inches from heat 5 to 7 minutes, or until fish will flake easily with a fork. Garnish with lemon slices and olives. Makes 3 servings.

Why 3 servings? Don’t recipes usually make an even number of servings?

Maybe the cook gets a reprieve. You have to hang around with it in the kitchen, you’ve done enough!

Now I’m going to go get some more coffee. Just regular coffee, thank you. I am not planning to do anything special with it. No “fascinating new flavor” today, thanks.

Ten Things I Hate About This Room

Presenting what passed as ”a room for a teen-age girl” in the early 1970s. In a book, not necessarily in reality. But still!

1. The wallpaper looks like an invasion of Ricki Ticki Stickies (those flower-shaped things you put on the bottom of the tub to keep you from skidding).

2. The weird black cow and the smirking frog on top of the Ricki Tickies, just to the right of that bed.

3. The eye-searing black and white checks plastered all over the furniture. Between this and that wallpaper I would need dark glasses (and Motrin) to even attempt living in this place.

4. Those dogs (ceramic perhaps?) down on the floor by the desk. They do not look happy. I would be tripping over them a lot, I think. Why are they there? What is the purpose? They are making me uncomfortable.

5. Snoopy is blocking the vanity mirror. And he is black and white. This is redundant. There is enough black and white in here.

6. All the other stuffed toys lolling on the shelves look a bit weird, too. The clown, another damn frog. Ugh.

7. The bedside table has no legs and no shelves under it. That is no good.

8. Obviously, the black and white checks and the wallpaper CLASH. They clash alone and together, which is quite an achievement.

9. The pencil cup, and the Dalmatian on the shelf above the desk, are white with black spots and they clash with everything else. Was there not enough black and white in here? I guess not.

10. The frog on the shelf is sitting on a straw suitcase. The suitcase is not large enough though. You need something that will hold everything. You will be using it to run away from this room. Note to self: do not pack anything you see in this picture.

Zam-Buk the Magnificent

They still make this stuff that sounds like a 1950s gladiator movie, look! And it even has its own website. It hasn’t got a lot of content on there but then it is only a jar of ointment. I don’t suppose that its miraculous attributes include writing blog posts, really.

I kind of wish it did, because then it could come sit on my desk here and whisper helpful ideas. It is Monday morning – ah, but you knew that already! – and I’m thinking about where to take Kitchen Retro in the coming months – things to write about, mixing things up a bit. I have some really good ads I’m saving up though – i can’t wait to post them. And there are some strange recipes lurking on the shelves. Also, I want to write more about retro stuff from the 1960s and 1970s that I remember and can’t get out of my head.

But Zam-Buk calls! Zam-Buk awaits my post and will not be happy if it does not get written. Do not make Zam-Buk displeased. Zam-Buk has a mighty temper and will unleash a few thunderbolts from his mighty mountaintop. And give you an itchy skin rash too!

Anyway, Zam-Buk.  It is made in the UK by the Rose Apothocary Co., here. It is made up of several herbal oils (eucalyptus and thyme especially) mixed with beeswax and a couple of other things (I know I am being lazy, but if you really, absolutely are desperate to know the couple of other things in Zam-Buk, the Rose people are very happy to tell you. Sorry, need more coffee over here!)

This site suggests that the name comes from a South African town called Zambuk. Why the Roman senator in the ad – and why the ad implies that this stuff was made in ancient Rome – I have no idea.  

Zam-Buk ointment – oh sorry, embrocation! – was made starting about 1903 in Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada. This ad is from a Canadian newspaper – the Toronto Telegram, in 1923.

An embrocation, by the way, is a fancy word for something medicinal that is rubbed into the skin. In other words, cream or ointment. I really like this word – it sounds like a cross between an altercation and a convocation. I guess if you had an altercation (say, with the valedictorian) this is just the sort of thing you would need.

Mum’s the Word

Trouble in the boudoir! Or wherever this is. Could be a sound stage. Could be a large lightbox. I don’t really know what’s going on or who is talking to this startled dame. Perhaps it is the voice of her conscience! Or her armpits are talking to her, maybe. I would look scared too if that happened!

“It isn’t your necklace they’ll notice, Pet!” You can put on all the jewels and “trinkets” you’ve got in the boxes there, but how can anyone appreciate their sparkly goodness when they’ve passed out on the floor! That’s a fine thing for a disembodied voice to say. How rude!

Then comes the compliment: “It’s a gift – the way you wear jewels for smart effect.” (It’s even smarter if you also remember to put your dress on, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves).

“But, honey, can’t you see? Even the loveliest of trinkets fails to be effective when charm itself fades away!” Out come the euphemisms. Can she see? You mean, can she smell, don’t you, Voice of Mum? You mean, how come she hasn’t “faded away” and fainted from the miasma, don’t you?

“Creamy, snow-white Mum” to the rescue. Smear it on, sister! It won’t harm your clothes, we promise (this is, of course, a lie – I remember using Tussy cream in the early 1970s and boy howdy does it get on everything, or what). In the picture at the end of the ad, see, she is using it (I think that is her, but her bottom half has disappeared – Mum is powerful stuff I guess!  – and the jar of Mum is as big as she is. I’ll bet it has a big mouth, too, this is what’s talking. Maybe it’ll go out to the party with her, hide under the table, and talk for her like Cyrano de Bergerac).

“Why take chances with your charm when you can trust Mum?” Oh, well – why not do both. Go ahead, use some deodorant, but also – take some chances with your charm. That sounds interesting. I want to know what sort of chances Pet is taking.

“A Spunky Pick-Up Model”

So this is a “spunky pick-up model,” eh? That would imply gold medallions dangling from the rear-view mirror. This car is a Swinger, all right. And I reckon you could have some Neil Diamond tunes blaring from the stereo system: “Love On the Rocks,” anyone?

But how successful a Swinger is it, really? I mean, shouldn’t it be at some sort of automotive singles bar, trying to pick up a little sports car? One wrong turn and it ends up here, on top of Old Smoky.

It isn’t really a Trail Blazer, unless you call getting stuck on some rocks blazing a trail. But maybe it is parked out here on the precipice to do some Swinging. I don’t know how bucket seats are going to help though. Bucket seats are hard to do much in except sitting.

This car is called the “Jeepster Commando” by the way – I’m just saying. I’m not going anywhere near that, but duly noted. I don’t believe they quite knew what they were saying, those car ad people. Like the Tijuana Hash lady. I guess you could pack some of her Hash for a picnic up there on the rocks. In the Commando. That’d be an adventure all right.

And when this ad says “rough it in style” – talk about an oxymoron! There IS no style to roughing it. I went camping once and it was rough – the people at the next site had a loud party until 2 am and my sleeping bag fell off the underpad. It was like sleeping on top of where the Jeepster is parked. Not fun, not groovy!

I wonder what the rest of the “family of fun cars” is like – do they have happy face decals on them? Is one of them a Clown Car (seats 25 passengers with red bulbous noses and big shoes)? Does the Dad car tell bad jokes through the groovy sound system? Does the Mom car tell you to sit up straight in the bucket seats and stop screaming in the back? That does sound like fun!

Advertisement from 1967 Canadian Reader’s Digest.

Shakespeare’s O-Cel-O

Remember that name: O-Cel-O. Rhymes with Othello. Also rhymes with “oh, hell no!”

Well, not unless that ittle duck up at the top is planning to help with the cleaning up. And it look like there’s a lot of cleaning to do in that room – look at it! Thanks for showing us exacty where and how to use a sponge! That’s almost as much of a self-esteem boost as the Over 40 Club outfit from yesterday (I am too lazy to link, it was the post before this, OK? Thanks. It is Friday and I am tired!)

Maybe this ad is making me tired. It makes it sound like you need an arsenal of sponges to do the daily hours of heavy wiping up. They must think I live in a barn or something! (Hey, how’d they know? That duck must have been trying to see in through the windows I need to clean).

It isn’t that I don’t like a nice sponge…it’s just that O-Cel-O sponges scare me a little. Are they moody, like the hero of a Shakespeare tragedy (I recall that Othello was not that happy). And what’s with the “water-breathing action” – what is that? I guess if the basement floods (and given all the rain we are having, it may do) you send the duck downstairs with a little crack team of O-Cel-O sponges, and they dive in.

As long as they wring themselves out into a bucket, nicely. And no splashing each other or cannonballing!

Morale Boosting For Fortysomethings

“An extra special outfit…something just that little bit different, that will be noticed in a crowd.”

They got that right.

I don’t even know where to begin. This is a Vintage Thingie all right, the kind that makes the over-40 woman feel like – well, like a Vintage Thingie! The dress, the coat, and oh my God, the hat! The hat! What the hell is the hat in aid of? Oh, I see, it is a sophisticated hat. Thanks for telling us. I don’t think I would have come to that conclusion on my own.

And the dress is smart. And the coat is dashing. And sleeveless. OK, I’ll buy that last bit. It is sleeveless.

The only “very important occasion” I can see wearing this to is maybe going to the circus. Or being in the circus.

I am 45 but I am not joining the Over 40 Club, I can tell you that. I don’t think anyone did in 1971 either, except the model in this picture. And I’m not sure she is all that happy about this…

This advertisement has been brought to you as a delicious part of your Vintage Thingies Thursday – for more VTT goodness (sans silly hats!) please visit the Apron Queen!

(Advertisement from the British magazine Woman’s Weekly, 1971)

A Little Something Shiny

Elizabeth over at the wonderful Thoughts From An Evil Overlord very kindly has given me the Brillante award. Thank you so much, Elizabeth! I love the look of it, too, it reminds me of Bejeweled 2 (not that I play computer games very often, ahem! But that is one of my faves…)

Here’s the deal: choose at least 7 blogs to pass this along to, link to them, link back to me – and, um, tell them what’s up!

It was really hard to pick who to give this to, because I read a lot of wonderful blogs. Good golly, you guys are all really brillante! But here we go, plunging on nevertheless -

Life On Planet Bill
I Love Retro Things
The Mad Vortex
Lit and Laundry
Hollywoodland
GoRetro!
Retromodgirl
Memoirs of an Apron Queen

Speaking of whom (Apron Queen) I had better get my vintage skates on and find a Vintage Thingie to tell you about. So I’ll go off and do that, and if you come back again later today, you’ll find it right here! (Well, above here really, like whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on a sundae…)

Are You In The Know?

Kotex was dispensing relationship and fashion advice back in 1946, and it is just too good not to share. I mean, you do want to be in the know, don’t you?

First you do your nails. Which leads into figuratively getting your claws into a date. And after that you take them to the beach, only you have to wear a certain kind of very atttractively-named bathing suit. (And then of course the sand and water then do a number on your nail polish so you have to start all over again. It’s like the circle of life!) You might as well copy this and paste it on the mirror at home for easy reference.

Life Lesson #!: The Split-Nail Personality

Question and answer time! I like the second answer – I’ll bet  Miss Braids up there does that, when no one’s looking! I would like to know what Heidi here did to look so pleased with herself. Did she gnaw first and then put on artificial nails? Or is she obsessed with emery boards. She collects them, it looks like. She has hundreds in her makeup table.

But as they say, a gal can’t hide her hands forever. And if you slather on polish you won’t feel – uncomfortable. Which leads us straight to Kotex, get it, being uncomfortable and what helps. Bet you didn’t see that one coming! Oh, they’re just warming up to this though. Now that you possess a set of long (and rather pointed, from the look of it) dark shiny fingernails – it’s time to go hunt down a guy – or, as the Kotex people prefer to call him, a joe. (They sure are with it, these ad writers!)

Life Lesson #2: How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes

I probably would suggest losing this one, Mary Jane. He looks kind of silly, and he is making the most extraordinary face. Like someone who just ate a lemon but they sort of liked it. 

Your ”femme friend and her joe” do not want to get involved with this. They will not appreciate being “corralled” as if they were ponies.  And believe me, no one has any interest in a platter or Ping Pong session at your house. (Insert risqué jokes here, please). Key transitional word: “safety” (good one, Dr. Kotex!) – safety in numbers, safety in…well, you know. Yuck.

Swiftly we move on to the beach, in Life Lesson #3: If Life’s A Beach, Why Do I Have To Wear Bloomers?

What the hell?…Mary Jane has bleached her hair and had a full makeover, looking far more glam (despite the “bloomer suit”) than Mr. Lemonhead, who has moved on to a second course of plastic drink coasters. Notice the superb lifeguard in the distance, staring at anything but the water (there are some great guys in this town, all right!). What’s new on the beach this year? Well, not the hamburgers, we know that. And the lifeguard’s been frozen in that position for the last year, seemingly. I guess that means the bloomer suit is new! I still don’t like it though. Bathing suit shopping is hell, isn’t it? Mary Jane knows that, clearly.

And the key word here is “different” – as in the suit and the Kotex (yeah, um, I should damn well hope so! These ads are terrible, really…I’m trying to have my coffee here!). Speaking of different, Mary Jane needs a different suit, a different guy  – and maybe we can do something about those split nails, too. She cracked them on the hamburger.

Her smile is cracking a little too. Well, no wonder – I don’t think this guy is riveting company. She also looks like she may have a touch of PMS. In which case he’d better keep an eye on the Coke bottle. She’s pretty close to beaning him with it.